Why Do People Think Bi People Owe Them a Dating Resume?
Part 3 of the "Proving Bisexuality" series from Give It To Me Bi
TL;DR: The pressure to "prove" bisexuality comes from straight spaces, queer spaces, media, and ourselves. Understanding where it comes from (and that most people aren't being malicious) can help us respond more effectively.
This is a deep dive. Strap in.
This series was written in consultation with members of our private Facebook community, who generously shared their lived experiences. Contributors are named only where express consent was given; all others remain anonymous.
If you're bisexual, you've almost certainly experienced it: the moment when someone (a friend, a family member, a stranger, even another queer person) asks about your dating history as if your identity needs to be verified.
"But have you actually been with a [gender]?"
Where does this come from? Why do people feel entitled to this information? And why does it happen from so many different directions?
The Pressure from Straight Spaces
Compulsory Heterosexuality
Our society is built on the assumption that heterosexuality is the default. Everyone is presumed straight until proven otherwise, and for bi people, that proof is never quite enough.
In straight spaces, bisexuality is often treated as a detour from the "normal" path. If you're currently with a different-gender partner, you must have "come back." If you're single, you must be "available" to return to straightness. The underlying message: your attraction to multiple genders is a phase that needs to be demonstrated, not a permanent identity to be accepted.
Research on bi+ visibility shows this creates a unique bind: bi people are assumed straight unless they actively "prove" otherwise, but proving often requires disclosing personal information that shouldn't be anyone's business (Davila et al., 2021).
Some bi people hear from family: "Did you come out because it's trendy?" As if decades of self-understanding can be reduced to a social media trend.
What Partners Fear
One of the most common fears partners express when someone comes out as bi: "You'll leave me for someone of another gender." Or: "Does this mean you can't be monogamous?"
These fears often fade with time and education, but they're real and common. Multiple community members shared experiences of partners initially struggling with these fears before becoming their greatest allies. As one person put it: "Fast forward eight years, we're still married and our relationship is stronger than ever."
The fear often isn't about you. It's about the partner not yet understanding that bisexuality is about capacity for attraction, not a requirement to act on every attraction. Just like straight or gay people don't pursue every person they find attractive, neither do bi people.
The "Pick a Side" Mentality
Monosexism (the assumption that people are attracted to only one gender) runs deep. When people can't easily categorise you as gay or straight, they get uncomfortable. The demand for dating history is often an attempt to sort you into a "real" category.
"Well, if you've mostly dated men, you must be basically straight."
"If you're with a woman now, you must have been gay all along."
The dating resume becomes a tool for people to decide what you "really" are, because bisexuality itself is too uncomfortable for them to accept.
The "when was the last time you were with a [gender]?" question treats attraction like it expires. As one community member noted when a partner asked this: the answer was irrelevant, because the question itself was wrong. Attraction doesn't have a use-by date.
We explored this in depth in our episode "Straight Passing" Bisexuals in Different-Gender Relationships, which examines how bi people in relationships with different genders face unique pressures and assumptions.
Fetishisation and Assumptions
There's a particular frustration for bi women: "Men find out I'm bi and assume it means I want a threesome. Bisexuality for me doesn't necessarily mean cool sex stuff for you."
Research confirms this pattern. Studies show bi women are stereotyped as more promiscuous than non-bi women, and objectification theory research links the hypersexualisation of bi women to "bisexual-specific rape myths" and higher rates of sexual victimisation. The "unicorn" dynamic (where bi women are sought as "thirds" by couples) often comes with unequal power dynamics and objectification.
This isn't about threesomes being inherently wrong. It's about the assumption that bisexuality exists for someone else's benefit rather than as a complete identity in itself.
The Pressure from Queer Spaces
The same interrogation happens in LGBTQ+ spaces. This catches many bi people off guard.
For some bi people, the surprise is that straight friends accept them immediately while queer spaces question them. As one community member shared: "My straight friends have accepted me immediately and never questioned or doubted me." The expectation that LGBTQ+ spaces will feel safe can make the gatekeeping even more painful when it happens.
Gatekeeping and "Gold Star" Thinking
The queer community has its own hierarchies and gatekeeping. Some gay and lesbian people view bisexuality with suspicion, as if bi people are tourists who haven't committed, or closeted gay people in denial.
Research documents this discrimination from within. A systematic review found that bi people face negative attitudes from both heterosexual and homosexual people, leading to what researchers call "double discrimination" (Ross et al., 2018). Other studies have catalogued the specific ways people (including other queer people) actively delegitimise bisexual identity (Alarie & Gaudet, 2013).
The "gold star" mentality (prizing those who've only ever been with same-gender partners) explicitly excludes bi people. And the demand for dating history is often a test: Are you gay enough to be here?
One community member described feeling most isolated at Pride itself: "Even after stating that I'm bi, I was treated as a straight ally or a queer kid's mum. They were sweet and well-meaning and made me feel so alone." The biphobia wasn't deliberate. It was just invisible.
Bi People as "Tourists"
There's a persistent stereotype that bi people are just experimenting, having their queer moment before settling into heterosexuality. This frames bi people as temporary visitors to queer spaces rather than permanent community members.
When someone demands your dating history in a queer space, they're often really asking: Are you going to leave us for straight privilege?
Some bi people in queer communities find they have to "contain the shock" when mentioning positive experiences dating cis men. As if those connections couldn't possibly matter as much. As if they weren't queer connections too, made queer by the queer person in them.
And this is important: so-called "straight privilege" for bi people is largely a myth. The health outcomes, the discrimination data, the mental health statistics all show that bi people in different-gender relationships don't actually experience the benefits people assume they do. Research confirms that bi people in different-gender relationships still experience binegativity and poorer relationship outcomes compared to gay or straight people (Smith et al., 2023).
We've discussed this at length on the podcast. As Steve put it: "People will yell 'straight privilege' at bi people not understanding that they are the enforcers of some of these things, some of the factors that go into it."
The Pressure from Within
Perhaps the most insidious pressure comes from ourselves.
Internalised Biphobia
When you hear the same messages over and over (that your identity needs proof, that you're not queer enough, that you need to have dated a certain number of people) you start to believe them.
Research on internalised binegativity shows how common this is. Bi people often hold themselves to impossible standards, questioning their own identity in ways they'd never question someone else's (Pollitt & Roberts, 2021).
Am I bi enough? Have I been with enough people? Does my dating history count?
These aren't original thoughts. They're echoes of external biphobia that we've turned inward.
The Bi Community's Own Resume Culture
Sometimes the bi community perpetuates this too.
In spaces where bi people gather to affirm each other, there can be an implicit hierarchy based on experience. Those who've dated multiple genders may feel more "legitimately" bi than those who haven't. Those with varied experience might inadvertently centre their histories in ways that make others feel inadequate.
There's also a hierarchy around timing: folks who came out earlier in life are sometimes viewed as "more bi," while those who come out later are treated as somehow less authentic. But sexuality and identity doesn't have a use-by date, and realising something about yourself at 40 is just as valid as realising it at 14.
Trans and non-binary bi people may face additional gatekeeping: "Are you bi, or is that just part of your gender stuff?" As if these identities are mutually exclusive rather than often intertwined. Research shows that bisexual-trans-nonbinary individuals face the highest prevalence of mental distress due to this kind of multiple marginalisation.
Breaking this pattern requires conscious effort: centring attraction over action, validating questioning and newly-out people, and challenging the resume mentality wherever it appears, even within ourselves.
Research shows that identity affirmation from others (rather than demands for proof) is a protective factor for bi+ mental health (Sarno et al., 2020).
Coming Out Later in Life
Coming out in your 40s, 50s, or later, especially with a spouse and children, brings unique challenges. Partners may fear change. Family may not check in. There's grief for the years spent closeted. And there can be intense longing to explore community while navigating existing commitments.
Research has identified "late" identity trajectories (ages 32-43 and beyond) where bi people reach self-identification milestones later than gay or lesbian people. Older cohorts often delay disclosure due to the social norms of their formative years. The gap between awareness (often younger) and disclosure (much later) can contribute to accumulated stress and internalised stigma.
A UK study of bi people aged 50+ found that biphobia (both external and internal) significantly shapes their experiences, with particular concerns about care in old age, mixed feelings about family acceptance, and resilience built through chosen support networks.
Mixed-orientation relationships (where one partner is bi and one is straight or gay) can be "amazing, of course, but also have their challenges," as one community member put it. Juggling desire to explore community or experience with other genders while committed to a partner requires ongoing navigation, communication, and mutual understanding.
The Media's Role
Queer Media Still Gets It Wrong
Steve shared on the podcast that he'd been asked about his dating and sexual history during an interview for a queer TV project, questions that weren't asked of the gay or lesbian participants in the same production.
"I provided feedback afterwards and I'm like, you didn't ask the gay men or the lesbians about their dating history, about their sexual proclivities. Why is it okay to ask bi people?"
Even in queer media spaces, bi people are treated differently. Our identities are treated as claims requiring evidence, while gay and lesbian identities are accepted at face value.
Bi Representation in Film and TV
Media representations of bisexuality often hinge on proving it: showing the character date multiple genders to "verify" their identity. Coming-out narratives for gay characters don't typically require this. The declaration is accepted. But bi characters must demonstrate.
This has created well-documented tropes. TVTropes catalogues patterns like "Depraved Bisexual" (where bi characters are portrayed as villainous or morally corrupt), "Anything That Moves" (depicting bi people as indiscriminate and hypersexual), and the "Sweeps Week Lesbian" (where characters have same-gender experiences for shock value before returning to heterosexuality).
These tropes reinforce the idea that bisexuality is either dangerous, excessive, or temporary, rather than a legitimate, stable identity.
We talked about this in our episode on bi+ representation in theatre, where we explored how these patterns play out on stage as well.
The Interview Trap
When bi people are platformed (on TV, in podcasts, in articles) they're often expected to share their personal history in ways that would be considered intrusive for others. The interview format itself can demand a resume.
Different Stigmas for Bi Men and Bi Women
The stigmas differ by gender, but they share a common thread: male-centred thinking.
Bi women face fetishisation and "doing it for attention" accusations. They're presumed to be basically straight, with their attraction to women existing for male entertainment.
Bi men face "actually gay" assumptions and heightened suspicion from partners. They're presumed to be basically gay, with their relationships with women seen as cover or denial. As Steve put it on the podcast: "Especially for bi men, we are assumed to be on the way to gay town."
Both stereotypes centre men. Bi women's attraction to women is dismissed or sexualised for male consumption. Bi men's attraction to women is dismissed as fake. Neither allows for the genuine, autonomous attraction that bisexuality actually is.
Research confirms these gender differences in attitudes toward bi people, with distinct but equally harmful patterns for bi men and bi women (Manalastas et al., 2023).
Understanding Why People Do This
Most People Aren't Being Malicious
Here's something worth remembering: most people who ask intrusive questions about dating history aren't trying to hurt you. They're often operating from ignorance, curiosity, or frameworks they've never examined.
We always try to assume good intent. Many people don't realise they're participating in microaggressions or invalidating behaviours when they question bi people's identities. They're repeating patterns they've absorbed from a culture that treats bisexuality as inherently doubtful.
This doesn't make the questions okay. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate them. But it can help to understand that most people aren't enemies. They're potential allies who haven't learned better yet.
Discomfort with Grey Areas
A lot of this comes down to discomfort with ambiguity. Humans like categories. We like things to be black or white, this or that. Bisexuality exists in the grey area, and for many people, grey areas feel uncomfortable.
When people can't easily categorise you, they experience cognitive dissonance. The demand for dating history is an attempt to resolve that discomfort by fitting you into a familiar box.
My therapist taught me a useful framework for thinking about this: Knowns vs Unknowns. This tool helps separate facts from guesses. Knowns are things you can verify right now (what someone said, what you did, observable facts). Unknowns are things you can't yet verify (what someone else is thinking, how they'll react, what will happen in the future).
When your brain mixes these up, worry grows fast, because unknowns are limitless.
For someone uncomfortable with bisexuality, a bi person represents a big Unknown. They can't predict your behaviour based on their existing mental models. So they try to convert the Unknown into a Known by demanding information (your dating history) that lets them slot you into a category they understand.
Giving more weight to the Knowns calms the system. For them, you can help by providing some grounding: "What you know is that I'm telling you I'm bisexual." For you, it helps to remember: "What I know is who I am. What they're struggling with is their own discomfort with ambiguity."
Redirecting the Conversation
If you want to educate rather than shut down, here are some ways to redirect:
"I understand why you're curious. Bisexuality can feel confusing if you haven't encountered it much. The simple version is: I'm attracted to more than one gender. That's it."
"I think what you're really asking is whether my identity is real. It is. I don't need a specific dating history for that to be true."
"That's actually a really personal question. I'm happy to explain what bisexuality means generally, but I don't share my dating history with acquaintances."
These responses acknowledge curiosity without rewarding invasiveness.
Breaking the Cycle
Understanding where this pressure comes from doesn't make it acceptable. But it can help us respond.
For Bi People
Recognise that the demand for proof is a symptom of broader biphobia, not a reasonable request
You don't owe anyone your history
When you feel the urge to prove yourself, notice it and question it
Connect with bi+ community to reduce internalised binegativity
For Allies
Don't defend bi people by providing the proof that was demanded
Challenge the premise that bi people need to prove themselves at all
Model acceptance that doesn't require verification
For Everyone
Notice when you're tempted to ask about dating history, and ask yourself why
Accept people's stated identities without requiring evidence
Remember: bisexuality is about attraction, not action
Get comfortable with grey areas. Not everything needs to fit in a neat box.
The Path Forward
The demand for dating resumes won't disappear overnight. It's embedded in how our society thinks about sexuality, reinforced from multiple directions, and often internalised before we even recognise it.
But every time we refuse to play the game (every time we decline to provide proof, challenge invasive questions, or affirm bi identity without conditions) we chip away at it.
Your identity doesn't require documentation. Your attraction is enough. And you don't owe anyone a resume.
Keep Reading
You Don't Have to Prove Your Bisexuality to Anyone - The validation piece
How to Defend Bi People Without Reinforcing the Myth - For allies
"Did You Mean to Ask That Out Loud?" And Other Ways to Respond - Practical scripts
You Don't Need Experience to Know You're Bi - For those questioning
Related Episodes
References
Alarie, M., & Gaudet, S. (2013). "I Don't Know If She Is Bisexual or If She Just Wants to Get Attention": Analyzing the Various Mechanisms Through Which Emerging Adults Invisibilize Bisexuality. Journal of Bisexuality, 13(2), 191–214. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2013.780004
Beach, L., Bartelt, E., Dodge, B., Bostwick, W., Schick, V., Fu, T.-C., Friedman, M. R., & Herbenick, D. (2019). Meta-Perceptions of Others' Attitudes Toward Bisexual Men and Women Among a Nationally Representative Probability Sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(1), 191–197. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1347-8
Feinstein, B. A., & Dyar, C. (2017). Bisexuality, Minority Stress, and Health. Current Sexual Health Reports, 9(1), 42–49. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-017-0096-3
Manalastas, E. J., Blumenau, H. S., & Feinstein, B. A. (2023). Gender differences in attitudes toward bisexual people and bisexuality: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000624
Pachankis, J. E., Mahon, C. P., Jackson, S. D., Fetzner, B. K., & Bränström, R. (2020). Sexual orientation concealment and mental health: A conceptual and meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 146(10), 831–871. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000271
Pollitt, A. M., & Roberts, T. S. (2021). Internalized Binegativity, LGBQ+ Community Involvement, and Definitions of Bisexuality. Journal of Bisexuality, 21(3), 357–379. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2021.1984363
Ross, L. E., Salway, T., Tarasoff, L. A., MacKay, J. M., Hawkins, B. W., & Fehr, C. P. (2018). Prevalence of Depression and Anxiety Among Bisexual People Compared to Gay, Lesbian, and Heterosexual Individuals: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(4–5), 435–456. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1387755
Sarno, E. L., Newcomb, M. E., Feinstein, B. A., & Mustanski, B. (2020). Bisexual Men's Experiences with Discrimination, Internalized Binegativity, and Identity Affirmation. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(5), 1783–1798. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01712-z
Smith, M. S., Feinstein, B. A., Mustanski, B., & Newcomb, M. E. (2023). Partner Gender and Binegativity Uniquely Impact Relationship Quality among Bisexual Men. The Journal of Sex Research, 60(3), 359–367. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2106350
Davila, J., Feinstein, B. A., Dyar, C., & Jabbour, J. (2021). How, when, and why do bisexual+ individuals attempt to make their identity visible? Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 8(1), 94–105. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000411
