How to Defend Bi People Without Reinforcing Myths

Proving Bisexuality
Written By Chad Barnier

Part 2 of the "Proving Bisexuality" series from Give It To Me Bi

TL;DR: When defending bi people, don't "prove" their identity by listing their dating history. Instead, challenge why proof was demanded in the first place. This article gives you the scripts to do it right.

This series was written in consultation with members of our private Facebook community, who generously shared their lived experiences. Contributors are named only where express consent was given; all others remain anonymous.

You want to be a good ally. When someone questions your bi friend's identity, you jump in to defend them. That's appreciated. Bi people face discrimination from both straight AND queer communities, and we need allies who speak up.

But some well-meaning defences actually reinforce the very myths they're trying to counter.

Let's talk about doing it better.

The Well-Meaning Mistake

"No, They Really ARE Bi. They've Dated Men AND Women"

Picture this: You're at a gathering. Someone makes a comment implying your friend isn't "really" bi because of who they're dating. You jump in: "No, no, they ARE bi. I've met their ex-girlfriend AND their ex-boyfriend."

Your heart is in the right place. But you've just accepted the premise that bi people need to prove their identity through dating history.

You defended your friend's bisexuality by providing the evidence the questioner demanded. You won the argument, but you reinforced the rules of a game bi people shouldn't have to play.

Why This Backfires

When we "prove" someone's bisexuality by listing their relationship history, we're saying:

  • Bi identity is only valid with the right experience

  • It's reasonable to ask bi people to verify their identity

  • The questioner was right to demand proof (they just had incomplete information)

This doesn't just affect the person you're defending. It affects every bi person who overhears. Including the ones who haven't dated multiple genders. Including the ones who are newly out. Including the ones still questioning.

The message they hear: "Oh, so I'd need a resume too."

The Goalposts Always Move

Here's the thing about providing evidence: it never works. Whatever evidence you present, it will never be enough to satisfy someone determined not to believe. You could have had equal numbers of intimate relationships with all genders and it still wouldn't satisfy them. The target will always keep moving.

And consider the double standard: gay and lesbian people can have long histories of dating different genders, and after coming out, that history counts for nothing. No one says "well, maybe you're just bi." Someone with no relationship history at all can claim a gay or straight identity without interrogation.

Only bi people face this review. That's not a coincidence. It's biphobia.

The Second Step of Allyship

Steve shared a story on the podcast about a gay friend who defended him when someone said, "You know he's really gay." The friend responded by listing Steve's past relationships with women as proof.

Steve was grateful for the defence, but reflected afterwards: "Great that he turned up for me, but he also confirmed the problematic notion of it."

Good allyship isn't just about defending. It's about challenging why the attack happened in the first place.

From Defending to Challenging

The first step of allyship: Stand up for bi people.

The second step: Challenge the premise that bi people need to prove themselves at all.

Instead of providing evidence, question why evidence was demanded.

What to Say Instead

Option 1: "Did you mean to ask that out loud?"

Simple, non-confrontational, and effective. It doesn't attack the person. It invites them to reflect on what they've just said.

Most people will immediately backpedal. Those who don't? Well, now you know who you're dealing with.

Option 2: "That's actually not how bisexuality works."

This addresses the underlying misconception: that bisexuality needs to be verified through experience.

You can add: "Bisexuality is about attraction, not action. You don't have to have dated anyone to know who you're attracted to."

Option 3: "Would you ask a gay person that?"

Points out the double standard. Gay and straight people aren't interrogated about their dating history before their identity is accepted. Why should bi people be different?

Option 4: "Why do you think that's okay to ask?"

Puts the discomfort back where it belongs: on the person asking intrusive questions.

Quick Ally Cheat Sheet

Instead of proving they're bi, try:

Don't sayTry this instead"They've dated men AND women""Bisexuality doesn't require proof""I've met their exes""That's actually not how it works""They had a [gender] partner before""Would you ask a gay person that?"[Listing their dating history]"Did you mean to ask that out loud?"

The goal: Challenge the idea that proof was needed. Don't provide the proof.

Why This Matters

Research shows that bi people face discrimination from multiple directions: from straight communities, from within LGBTQ+ spaces, and internally (Ross et al., 2018). The cumulative effect of constantly having to justify your identity is exhausting and harmful.

When allies reinforce the idea that bi people should have to prove themselves, even unintentionally, it adds to that burden. But when allies challenge the premise? That's genuinely protective.

One community member made an important distinction: in some ways, bi-erasure is more prevalent than overt biphobia. Being treated as if your identity doesn't exist. Being ignored after coming out. Having no one check in. Erasure and biphobia both aim to dismiss and discredit, but erasure is often invisible even to well-meaning people.

Studies on acceptance and support show that having people in your life who affirm your identity (without conditions) is associated with better wellbeing for bi people (Fuller & Hovland, 2022).

You can be that unconditional support. You can be the person who sees them, believes them, and doesn't require proof.

A Final Note

Being a good ally is a practice, not a destination. You might slip up. You might accidentally reinforce a myth before you catch yourself. That's okay. The goal isn't perfection, it's learning.

The bi people in your life will notice when you get it right. And they'll appreciate that you're trying.

Thank you for showing up. Thank you for wanting to do better.

Keep Reading

Related Content

Listen to the Episode

This post is based on Episode 25: Even More Persistent Bi Myths, Busted.

References

Fuller, K. A., & Hovland, C. A. (2022). Bipositivity: Bisexual Persons' Narratives of Acceptance and Support from Significant Others. Journal of Homosexuality, 69(1), 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2020.1815429

Ross, L. E., Salway, T., Tarasoff, L. A., MacKay, J. M., Hawkins, B. W., & Fehr, C. P. (2018). Prevalence of Depression and Anxiety Among Bisexual People Compared to Gay, Lesbian, and Heterosexual Individuals: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(4–5), 435–456. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1387755

Chad Barnier https://www.chadbarnier.com
Next

You Don't Have to Prove Your Bisexuality to Anyone