You Don't Have to Prove Your Bisexuality to Anyone
Part 1 of the "Proving Bisexuality" series from Give It To Me Bi
TL;DR: Your bisexuality is valid regardless of your dating history. You don't owe anyone proof, and the pressure to provide a "resume" comes from biphobia, not from any legitimate requirement of your identity.
This series was written in consultation with members of our private Facebook community, who generously shared their lived experiences. Contributors are named only where express consent was given; all others remain anonymous.
We're going to start with the most important thing: You don't have to prove anything to anyone.
Not to your friends. Not to your family. Not to the queer community. Not to strangers on the internet. Not even to yourself on your hardest days.
Your bisexuality is valid. No resume required.
The Pressure Is Real
If you've ever felt like you need to justify your bisexuality by listing your relationship history, your crushes, or your "body count," you're not imagining things. This pressure comes from everywhere.
A systematic study review confirmed that bi people face negative attitudes from both heterosexual AND homosexual people, what researchers call "double discrimination" (Manalastas et al., 2023).
In Queer Spaces
Walk into many LGBTQ+ spaces and mention you're bisexual, and you might face an interrogation: "But have you actually been with someone of [gender]?" As if your identity needs to be stamped and verified before it counts.
A 2013 study documented the various ways people (including other queer people) actively work to delegitimise bisexual identity, from dismissing it as "just a phase" to accusing bi people of "wanting attention" (Alarie & Gaudet, 2013).
If you've experienced this, you're far from alone. Research consistently shows that bi people report experiencing discrimination within LGBTQ+ spaces at rates comparable to, or sometimes exceeding, the discrimination they face from straight communities (Beach et al., 2019).
We talked about this pressure in our episode on "straight passing" privilege. Bi people face scepticism from both straight and queer communities, and that double discrimination takes a real toll.
And this doesn't just happen to bi folks without a public profile. Steve shared on the podcast that he'd been asked about his dating and sexual history during an interview for a queer TV project, questions that weren't asked of the gay or lesbian participants in the same production.
"I provided feedback afterwards and I'm like, you didn't ask the gay men or the lesbians about their dating history, about their sexual proclivities. Why is it okay to ask bi people?"
If bi+ advocates are being interrogated by queer media organisations that should know better, imagine what everyday bi people face.
In Straight Spaces
In heterosexual environments, the questions can be just as invasive. Suddenly your dating history becomes public property, and people feel entitled to ask about your sexual experiences in ways they'd never ask a straight person.
Research on bisexual visibility shows that bi+ people often face a unique bind in straight spaces: they're assumed to be straight unless they actively "prove" otherwise, but the act of proving often requires disclosing personal information that shouldn't be anyone's business (Davila et al., 2021). This creates constant pressure to either remain invisible or perform your identity for an audience.
Australian data from Private Lives 3 confirms this pattern locally: bi+ Australians report feeling invisible in mainstream contexts and face pressure to justify their identity in ways that gay and lesbian people typically don't (Hill et al., 2020).
The assumption of straightness means bi people in different-gender relationships often feel their queerness is erased entirely, unless they're willing to offer up their dating history as evidence. It's a lose-lose: stay invisible or submit to interrogation.
In Our Own Heads
Perhaps the most exhausting pressure comes from within. The "Am I bi enough?" voice that whispers when you've been in a long-term relationship with one gender, or when you haven't dated much at all, or when your attraction feels different today than it did last month.
Research shows that this internalised doubt (called "internalised binegativity") is common among bi+ people. But the same research found that connecting with bi+ community significantly reduces these feelings (Pollitt & Roberts, 2021).
What made one community member feel secure was "coming out in my own time, and being fortunate to have a fantastic family and support circle." Now, as they put it: "It's just me. Bi. Deal with it."
You're not broken. You're responding normally to a world that constantly questions your existence.
Your Identity Isn't a Resume
No one asks straight people for their dating history before believing they're straight.
A teenager who's never kissed anyone can identify as straight without interrogation. A person in a 40-year marriage can identify as straight without proving they were attracted to multiple people first.
But bi people? We're expected to have receipts.
The "Bi Enough" Trap
This creates an impossible standard. If you've mostly dated one gender, people question if you're "really" bi. If you've dated multiple genders, you're accused of being promiscuous or unable to commit. If you haven't dated much at all, you're told you can't possibly know.
There is no dating history that will ever satisfy people determined not to believe you.
As one community member beautifully put it: "I haven't picked a side, but I've definitely picked my person." Being in a long-term relationship doesn't mean you've chosen a side. It means you've chosen a person.
You don't need their satisfaction. You only need your own truth.
We wrote about this in our Star Observer column "Bi+ Babes, You're Perfect", a reminder that you are valid, always, no matter who you're dating or loving.
What Actually Makes You Bi
It's About Attraction, Not Action
Bisexuality is about who you're attracted to, not who you've been with.
The widely embraced definition from bi activist Robyn Ochs captures this: "I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted—romantically and/or sexually—to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree."
Notice what's not in that definition: any requirement for specific experiences, a certain number of partners, or "proof." And note that "people of more than one gender" explicitly includes non-binary people. Trans and non-binary bi people exist, and they face compounded invisibility.
When researchers asked bisexual, pansexual, and queer-identified people to describe their sexuality, they used language about attraction, connection, and openness, not checklists of past partners (Galupo et al., 2014).
As one community member put it: "Identity is an interior experience of yourself and your relationship to the world. It's not a behaviour log."
In bi+ research, this is captured by the AIB model: Attraction, Identity, and Behaviour are three distinct components. You can have attraction without behaviour. You can have behaviour without identity. All configurations are valid. We talk about this on Episode 11, where we also discuss the Split Attraction Model, which distinguishes sexual attraction from romantic attraction. Someone might be biromantic and heterosexual, or any other combination. These frameworks validate the diversity of bi+ experience.
The Bi-Cycle Is Real (And Valid)
If your attraction fluctuates (sometimes leaning more toward one gender, sometimes another) that's not evidence against your bisexuality. It's a common bi experience often called "the bi-cycle."
Your attraction might shift over months, years, or decades. You might go through long periods where you're primarily attracted to one gender. None of this makes you less bisexual.
As Steve put it on the podcast: "The bi-cycle can last a month like it does for me often, or it can last a decade or two decades or three decades. And that's all very valid."
You Are Valid
A 2023 study found that aspects of positive bi+ identity actually buffer the negative mental health effects of discrimination (Katz et al., 2023). Believing in your own validity isn't just feel-good advice. It's evidence-based self-care.
Internal Security
Some bi people find that their internal knowing is so solid that external questioning simply doesn't land. As Justin B shared:
"The simple fact that I experience attraction to people of sundry genders every day would be plenty of confirmation for me, even if I hadn't had any sexual encounters. This internal security makes it less likely for me to question myself when other people are questioning or criticising."
That internal security is something you can build. It often comes with time, community, and the slow process of trusting your own experience over other people's doubts.
So here's your reminder for the hard days:
You don't have to have "touched anyone" to know you're bisexual
Your current relationship doesn't determine your identity
Questioning and exploring is part of the process, not evidence against it
You are perfect just the way you are
When someone demands proof of your bisexuality, you have options. You can educate them. You can set a boundary. Or you can ask: "Did you mean to ask that out loud?"
But you never have to prove yourself.
Keep Reading
How to Defend Bi People Without Reinforcing the Myth - For allies who want to support bi people correctly
"Did You Mean to Ask That Out Loud?" And Other Ways to Respond - Practical scripts for intrusive questions
You Don't Need Experience to Know You're Bi - For those newly exploring their identity
Listen to the Episode
This post is based on Episode 25: Even More Persistent Bi Myths, Busted where we bust these myths in conversation.
References
Alarie, M., & Gaudet, S. (2013). "I Don't Know If She Is Bisexual or If She Just Wants to Get Attention": Analyzing the Various Mechanisms Through Which Emerging Adults Invisibilize Bisexuality. Journal of Bisexuality, 13(2), 191–214. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2013.780004
Beach, L., Bartelt, E., Dodge, B., Bostwick, W., Schick, V., Fu, T.-C., Friedman, M. R., & Herbenick, D. (2019). Meta-Perceptions of Others' Attitudes Toward Bisexual Men and Women Among a Nationally Representative Probability Sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(1), 191–197. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1347-8
Davila, J., Feinstein, B. A., Dyar, C., & Jabbour, J. (2021). How, when, and why do bisexual+ individuals attempt to make their identity visible? Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 8(1), 94–105. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000411
Galupo, M. P., Davis, K. S., Grynkiewicz, A. L., & Mitchell, R. C. (2014). Conceptualization of Sexual Orientation Identity Among Sexual Minorities. Journal of Bisexuality, 14(3–4), 433–456. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2014.933466
Hill, A. O., Bourne, A., McNair, R., Carman, M., & Lyons, A. (2020). Private Lives 3: The Health and Wellbeing of LGBTIQ People in Australia. ARCSHS Monograph Series, 122.
Katz, B. W., Chang, C. J., Dorrell, K. D., Selby, E. A., & Feinstein, B. A. (2023). Aspects of positive identity buffer the longitudinal associations between discrimination and suicidal ideation among bi+ young adults. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 91(5), 313–322. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000788
Manalastas, E. J., Blumenau, H. S., & Feinstein, B. A. (2023). Gender differences in attitudes toward bisexual people and bisexuality: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000624
Pollitt, A. M., & Roberts, T. S. (2021). Internalized Binegativity, LGBQ+ Community Involvement, and Definitions of Bisexuality. Journal of Bisexuality, 21(3), 357–379. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2021.1984363
